That guy is back. It actually brings tears to my eyes to write that. I have been missing him for almost a year now. Cody would either fall asleep or tell me he was so angry at me and he didn't know why. When he would talk about killing himself it would remind me that one of his best friends had done just that not even 3 years ago. It was real and it really had the potential to occur. I have written many letters to myself over these last months and have shredded them immediately so that I would never have to see that pain again. I have been so alone. ALONE in a house packed with the loves of my life. He would switch a med because of these adverse side effects and then be too kind and loving only to turn around and say things that made no sense. This time has been different. There is a sincerity now that had been lacking. Sometimes the only relief I got from Cody was when my mom was here. Cody and I were forced to be cordial to one another. I made it through because of her and Emily and Stephanie. These ladies blessed my life. I had the friendship I needed and the encouragement as a parent that I seeked. They watched as I let my kid poop naked by a tree *at a park, of course*. They took pictures for me because my hands were full. They asked how I was and then listened to what I had to say. They let me parent "military style" according to Stephanie, and never had an unkind word to say. And they made me feel loved. Both Stephanie and Emily have adopted their children. What a purposeful meeting that God had planned. It's funny how we receive things that we've never even asked for. *This is where I give the big guy upstairs a high five*. If my girlfriend Angie hadn't of forced me into MOPS (and I do use "forced" with a sarcastic tone but I truly had no plans of leaving the house) I would never of had the summer I did. Angie is my favorite ~get me out of my comfort zone in a super positive way~ friend. I am always impressed with her advice and knowledge. Just earlier today my non argumentative husband that gets onto his back in the middle of the living room and then apologizes about not helping me do things around the house is back. He honestly is so perfect. He even told me that he's thankful that he had finally finished the beer in the fridge before vacation because he doesn't want the kids around alcohol all the time. In just a few days we will be married for 9 years and I wouldn't change a thing. We have never called names or put each other down. I love and respect him for that. I am impressed by the way he loves our children. And his arms. He has the strongest farmer arms. Oh, Mr. Rans, I can't wait to do another 60 years with you.
